The danger of white women’s perfectionism

by Liz Getman

The first time I spent an entire weekend studying for a test was in 3rd grade. I had a Social Studies exam that coming Monday and told myself I needed to re-read every chapter, make at least 20 note cards on key terms, and be quizzed on them repeatedly until I could see each chapter in my sleep.

For others living within a capitalistic, white supremacist system, this might sound sickeningly similar. My perfectionism was, in many ways, a trauma response, but it was also symptomatic of the culture in which I lived–and live.

I jokingly refer to myself as a Recovering Type A, as years of trying to combat my perfectionism and self doubt have offered space for the messiness that comes with being human. I’m better than I was years ago–sending lots of love to my younger, self-deprecating self–but still a work in progress.

But this perfectionism isn’t just about the individual me. It’s about the collective we–primarily, the collective "white-woman-we"–who might not realize the harm our perfectionism is creating in a society and world already plagued by one too many -isms.

As a relatively new business owner who sometimes works with other white women, I’ve realized more and more what a plague perfectionism actually is.

Here’s how it has shown up among white women I’ve encountered:

• The inability to share or give up control

• Focusing on the few mistakes over the many successes

• The sense of urgency in both online and offline communication

• Equating someone’s work with their worth

• The disinterest in learning how and why their actions mimic the supremacy of white men

• Offering credit primarily to those benefiting from dominant culture (white, non-disabled, cis hetero folks)

As always, those most harmed by these behaviors are: Black, brown, and Indigenous people; queer, trans, and Disabled folks; and women.

The more I see these behaviors arising among others, the more I acknowledge my own continued perfectionism. Eliminating perfectionistic and white supremacist tendencies within our greater society means first eliminating them within myself.

So, what can we do? Recognizing our privileges and proximity to power is key--as is avoiding defensiveness, blaming, and shaming.

But more specifically, as Public Allies and Piper & Gold suggest, we need to:

• Focus on the positives as well as areas for improvement.

• Give consistent appreciation for everyday efforts.

• Offer patience for mistakes and growing pains.

• Invite suggestions for improving the feedback process.

• Set realistic expectations and goals. Remain flexible.

• Create an environment where people are encouraged to take risks and make mistakes, and then after they have made their mistakes, viewing those mistakes as opportunities to learn and cultivate a culture of learning in your organization.

And, finally: Remain understanding and compassionate, acknowledging it’s harder for folks with historically excluded identities to succeed and simply exist in a system of white supremacy.

Whether within a company, neighborhood, community, family, or group of friends, we’re responsible for helping eliminate the oppressive weight perfectionism places on us day in and day out.

Will you join me in (re)committing to lightening our collective load? Fellow white women, I’m calling you in specifically.